Looking at yourself in the eyes of someone else can be a hard task. Today I learned that it may be easier to just ask those people their honest opinion of you, and if you believe that they can...for them to hold you accountable. Earlier today I was talking to PJ's mom and long story short, something about it being hypocritical to go to church and then curse outside of there got brought up by her. I admit that I sometimes have a sailor mouth, but I've always tried to only talk that way in front of what I considered "appropriate adult company." When she said this I, at first, felt hurt. I felt that I was being called a hypocrite and I got extremely upset. However, it was the moments I had by myself after the conversation that got me the most upset. I was laying in the bed, almost in tears, and then it hit me...I'm being hypocritical. There, I said it and it gets easier to say each time. I think that everyone has their faults, everyone has their sin that they choose to justify in some way or another. Sadly, that's human nature. That doesn't mean that we should just let it go though, we should always be striving to be the best people that we can be. I'm not saying that everyone who curses is a bad person. I'm not saying everyone who does this thing or that one is a bad person, because I believe that deep down everyone is GOOD. However, I don't want to be a hypocrite. Here I am, trying to live the best life that I can and trying to work on being more Christ-like (since that's the definition of being a Christian), I'm trying to become a youth minister. Yet I couldn't even see my own fault, it took someone else bringing it up.
I want to live a life that makes others see the renewel of myself and my spirit that I've found through following God. Today I realized that there is yet another thing that I could be doing better with in my life, and that means that it's yet another thing I'm going to strive to change. I can do all things through Christ, right? This is just another one of those things. I especially feel bad about this one though since I'm (still) reading the book UnChristian which goes over this very same situation...being a hypocrite. I need to finish this book already (>_<)
I'd also like to bring up something that has been on my heart the past two or three days. Something I read in UnChristian is that one of the first things that should be transformed in a life following Christ is our thoughts. Thoughts encourage actions, so bad thoughts encourage bad actions. I had never really...well...thought about that until I read it. My thought process is very different than it was before I recommitted my life to God, but I know some things that I could change with that. I think that part of what makes it hard is that most people, myself included, don't spend enough time with just their thoughts on a daily basis. Not just not talking, but just...having quiet. No computers, no cell phones, no...anything.
With this I am feeling more and more compelled to take a temporary vow of silence so that I can spend that time with my thoughts. It may sound extreme, and it's definitely nothing I can honestly say I want to do, but it's something that I think I may need to do. When I say temporary I mean for maybe 3 days or so. I'm thinking it may be better to go for a week, but I'm going to pray about it and see what God speaks to my heart. I need to work on getting another job while my other one reopens (we're changing locations) so I can't do anything too long term because I can't let it effect my job search. Right now I'm really being led to three days. Three days with no talking, no computer, no cell phones. I may have an hour or so everyday that I let myself have "off" so that I can spend time talking with PJ about anything and everything...like how much I love him...but that's about it :).
We'll see I guess...
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!
You all have a blessed day tomorrow :)
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