First things first, I want to share something I haven't really shared with anyone...not even Patrick...at this point. I had a breakdown over Thanksgiving vacation. I should have talked to Patrick about it, but I just haven't been in the right mental state to be able to discuss it without getting emotional...I'm not good at being that emotional in front of people. It's a fault, and I recognize it. Anyways so him and I were having an argument. Details in this aren't important and I don't need to air our dirty laundry on the internet. The point is that I was sleeping in the bed at his parent's house and he was in the living room. We were both brooding and texting each other. At that point I'm not even sure what happened, but I broke down crying and just couldn't stop. I had all these bad thoughts...that I'm going to be a horrible wife, that I'm a bad mother...and they just kept escalating until I was hyperventilating and worrying over things like, "When we have kids, he's going to leave me and take the kids." Which with my past situation, which some of you are aware of, is a legitimate fear. I've relayed these fears to Patrick in the past and he's promised me that would never happen. He's seen the pain that I have from the situation with the kids and he swears he would never do that to me. But it doesn't change that I have the fear. All of this continued to get worse and worse until I almost couldn't breathe and out of nowhere came the biggest repenting session I've ever had in my entire life. I laid there just staring up at the ceiling with tears rolling down my face asking God to forgive me for everything I've ever done against him. I literally kept crying out (in a 'whisper yell') "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!" and it just kept going. I continued texting Patrick through all of this, not even sure how I had the strength to use my fingers at that point.
Suddenly I felt a weight lifted and I just felt...better. I continued to pray and just have a little one-on-one time with God until Patrick came in and we made up. We both apologized for the fight and held each other and moved on. Life continued on...
...but for once it hasn't continued on in the "same old same old" kind of way. My mind feels completely transformed. The night after this we were back in Boone and I was all hopped up on energy drinks from driving home from the beach. While Patrick slept I laid there with my eyes open praying...no, not praying...talking to God. I laid there for about two hours just talking. Venting, laughing, even just telling him how my day went. I talked to God as if I was literally looking right into his eyes and having a conversation. I've learned...this is the way that praying works best for me. I had never really tried praying that way, and not sure why, but it was amazing for me. Some people do better, as pastor Marianne said, heads bowed and eyes closed. I'm learning that I'm not one of those people. I already have realized that God speaks to me through music and now I know that for me, praying works better as just relaxed conversation. During my talk with God that night I told him how I have so many fears about the whole youth pastor thing. I told him that I know it's what he wants me to do and that I know I've been putting it on the back burner, but that I'm scared.
It was the very next day that I got on the phone with the assistant pastor, Tracey. I told her that I wanted to talk to her about youth ministry. I went in to the church office and began helping her with the food pantry. I haven't volunteered much in church since The Rock because until this new church I hadn't felt connected to a church on a deeper level. But volunteering with the food pantry quickly seemed like second nature and the hour and a half I was there went by quickly. Then I sat down with her.
Very long story short, she put me in touch with Kyle who is the youth minister at Faithbridge. He has invited me to a lunch on Sunday after church with him and others from the ministry team. Tracey wants me to spend time working alongside him and learning. It's a chance to gain experience and follow my calling from God. I'm so excited, but at the same time so extremely nervous. I never thought that the day I finally pursued ministry would be the day that it actually started the wheels turning and got the bus moving...but when you're called to something from God it's only inevitable that you're going to end up on that path lol. Anyways so that means that I now have an extremely full Sunday. I will be taking a class on spiritual disciplines taught by Tracey before church, then I have church, then the lunch, then at five I was going to go to an event I saw Jonathan Fawcett post about on Facebook that's at Legends. That is unless I need to go to the youth meeting that night to work with Kyle. Sadly the love of my life won't be joining me for a lot of this because I had forgotten he has a benefit airsoft game that day. They're collecting toys for children for Christmas :). I wish him so much luck with that!!
Hmmm so now onto the "clearing my head."
I realize more and more everyday that I've gotten over my feelings for my ex-husband, and that I'm able to move on with my life but still wish him well in his. It took me a while to not have feelings for him, but once I was able to get over that I still can admit to having some hatred in my heart. I didn't love him, but instead I had replaced it with hate. And hate is always taxing on your emotions, it's never a good thing. Now though, I've gotten rid of that too. I knew it for certain when I went to his mother's facebook page. Yes, I admit it...sometimes I check out the pages of his family. It's not because I'm hanging onto anything, it's because I care about how their life is going and wish that I had a way to be updated on it. Sadly I was met with seeing her posts about surgeries. I immediately felt panicked and worried. As much as her and I never got along, I never would want her to have to go through anything bad. I looked back through months of posts and couldn't figure out what was going on so I texted Alex's fiance. She told me that his mother had her gallbladder removed and now something is "still wrong" but no one has been able to figure out what it is.
I knew after reading that that I am over the hate in my heart for him and anyone in his family...though I never really felt any bad feelings towards his dad or his grandparents. I have moved on from those ill feelings and I'm happy about it.
Now though, I need some prayers for some things if anyone reads this and wants to jump in.
First, my friend Robbie's grandmother is in the hospital. She originally went in for fluid on her lungs but now is having issues with her heart. They're taking her to Charlotte on Monday, so keep her in your thoughts.
And otherwise I want prayers for Sandy Hawkins, that's Alex's mom. I still don't know all the details, but she is definitely in need of them figuring out what exactly is still going wrong.
Thanks everyone!!!!
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