Looking at yourself in the eyes of someone else can be a hard task. Today I learned that it may be easier to just ask those people their honest opinion of you, and if you believe that they can...for them to hold you accountable. Earlier today I was talking to PJ's mom and long story short, something about it being hypocritical to go to church and then curse outside of there got brought up by her. I admit that I sometimes have a sailor mouth, but I've always tried to only talk that way in front of what I considered "appropriate adult company." When she said this I, at first, felt hurt. I felt that I was being called a hypocrite and I got extremely upset. However, it was the moments I had by myself after the conversation that got me the most upset. I was laying in the bed, almost in tears, and then it hit me...I'm being hypocritical. There, I said it and it gets easier to say each time. I think that everyone has their faults, everyone has their sin that they choose to justify in some way or another. Sadly, that's human nature. That doesn't mean that we should just let it go though, we should always be striving to be the best people that we can be. I'm not saying that everyone who curses is a bad person. I'm not saying everyone who does this thing or that one is a bad person, because I believe that deep down everyone is GOOD. However, I don't want to be a hypocrite. Here I am, trying to live the best life that I can and trying to work on being more Christ-like (since that's the definition of being a Christian), I'm trying to become a youth minister. Yet I couldn't even see my own fault, it took someone else bringing it up.
I want to live a life that makes others see the renewel of myself and my spirit that I've found through following God. Today I realized that there is yet another thing that I could be doing better with in my life, and that means that it's yet another thing I'm going to strive to change. I can do all things through Christ, right? This is just another one of those things. I especially feel bad about this one though since I'm (still) reading the book UnChristian which goes over this very same situation...being a hypocrite. I need to finish this book already (>_<)
I'd also like to bring up something that has been on my heart the past two or three days. Something I read in UnChristian is that one of the first things that should be transformed in a life following Christ is our thoughts. Thoughts encourage actions, so bad thoughts encourage bad actions. I had never really...well...thought about that until I read it. My thought process is very different than it was before I recommitted my life to God, but I know some things that I could change with that. I think that part of what makes it hard is that most people, myself included, don't spend enough time with just their thoughts on a daily basis. Not just not talking, but just...having quiet. No computers, no cell phones, no...anything.
With this I am feeling more and more compelled to take a temporary vow of silence so that I can spend that time with my thoughts. It may sound extreme, and it's definitely nothing I can honestly say I want to do, but it's something that I think I may need to do. When I say temporary I mean for maybe 3 days or so. I'm thinking it may be better to go for a week, but I'm going to pray about it and see what God speaks to my heart. I need to work on getting another job while my other one reopens (we're changing locations) so I can't do anything too long term because I can't let it effect my job search. Right now I'm really being led to three days. Three days with no talking, no computer, no cell phones. I may have an hour or so everyday that I let myself have "off" so that I can spend time talking with PJ about anything and everything...like how much I love him...but that's about it :).
We'll see I guess...
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!
You all have a blessed day tomorrow :)
Showing posts with label christianity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label christianity. Show all posts
Friday, December 24, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Youth Ministry and Clearing My Head
First things first, I want to share something I haven't really shared with anyone...not even Patrick...at this point. I had a breakdown over Thanksgiving vacation. I should have talked to Patrick about it, but I just haven't been in the right mental state to be able to discuss it without getting emotional...I'm not good at being that emotional in front of people. It's a fault, and I recognize it. Anyways so him and I were having an argument. Details in this aren't important and I don't need to air our dirty laundry on the internet. The point is that I was sleeping in the bed at his parent's house and he was in the living room. We were both brooding and texting each other. At that point I'm not even sure what happened, but I broke down crying and just couldn't stop. I had all these bad thoughts...that I'm going to be a horrible wife, that I'm a bad mother...and they just kept escalating until I was hyperventilating and worrying over things like, "When we have kids, he's going to leave me and take the kids." Which with my past situation, which some of you are aware of, is a legitimate fear. I've relayed these fears to Patrick in the past and he's promised me that would never happen. He's seen the pain that I have from the situation with the kids and he swears he would never do that to me. But it doesn't change that I have the fear. All of this continued to get worse and worse until I almost couldn't breathe and out of nowhere came the biggest repenting session I've ever had in my entire life. I laid there just staring up at the ceiling with tears rolling down my face asking God to forgive me for everything I've ever done against him. I literally kept crying out (in a 'whisper yell') "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!" and it just kept going. I continued texting Patrick through all of this, not even sure how I had the strength to use my fingers at that point.
Suddenly I felt a weight lifted and I just felt...better. I continued to pray and just have a little one-on-one time with God until Patrick came in and we made up. We both apologized for the fight and held each other and moved on. Life continued on...
...but for once it hasn't continued on in the "same old same old" kind of way. My mind feels completely transformed. The night after this we were back in Boone and I was all hopped up on energy drinks from driving home from the beach. While Patrick slept I laid there with my eyes open praying...no, not praying...talking to God. I laid there for about two hours just talking. Venting, laughing, even just telling him how my day went. I talked to God as if I was literally looking right into his eyes and having a conversation. I've learned...this is the way that praying works best for me. I had never really tried praying that way, and not sure why, but it was amazing for me. Some people do better, as pastor Marianne said, heads bowed and eyes closed. I'm learning that I'm not one of those people. I already have realized that God speaks to me through music and now I know that for me, praying works better as just relaxed conversation. During my talk with God that night I told him how I have so many fears about the whole youth pastor thing. I told him that I know it's what he wants me to do and that I know I've been putting it on the back burner, but that I'm scared.
It was the very next day that I got on the phone with the assistant pastor, Tracey. I told her that I wanted to talk to her about youth ministry. I went in to the church office and began helping her with the food pantry. I haven't volunteered much in church since The Rock because until this new church I hadn't felt connected to a church on a deeper level. But volunteering with the food pantry quickly seemed like second nature and the hour and a half I was there went by quickly. Then I sat down with her.
Very long story short, she put me in touch with Kyle who is the youth minister at Faithbridge. He has invited me to a lunch on Sunday after church with him and others from the ministry team. Tracey wants me to spend time working alongside him and learning. It's a chance to gain experience and follow my calling from God. I'm so excited, but at the same time so extremely nervous. I never thought that the day I finally pursued ministry would be the day that it actually started the wheels turning and got the bus moving...but when you're called to something from God it's only inevitable that you're going to end up on that path lol. Anyways so that means that I now have an extremely full Sunday. I will be taking a class on spiritual disciplines taught by Tracey before church, then I have church, then the lunch, then at five I was going to go to an event I saw Jonathan Fawcett post about on Facebook that's at Legends. That is unless I need to go to the youth meeting that night to work with Kyle. Sadly the love of my life won't be joining me for a lot of this because I had forgotten he has a benefit airsoft game that day. They're collecting toys for children for Christmas :). I wish him so much luck with that!!
Hmmm so now onto the "clearing my head."
I realize more and more everyday that I've gotten over my feelings for my ex-husband, and that I'm able to move on with my life but still wish him well in his. It took me a while to not have feelings for him, but once I was able to get over that I still can admit to having some hatred in my heart. I didn't love him, but instead I had replaced it with hate. And hate is always taxing on your emotions, it's never a good thing. Now though, I've gotten rid of that too. I knew it for certain when I went to his mother's facebook page. Yes, I admit it...sometimes I check out the pages of his family. It's not because I'm hanging onto anything, it's because I care about how their life is going and wish that I had a way to be updated on it. Sadly I was met with seeing her posts about surgeries. I immediately felt panicked and worried. As much as her and I never got along, I never would want her to have to go through anything bad. I looked back through months of posts and couldn't figure out what was going on so I texted Alex's fiance. She told me that his mother had her gallbladder removed and now something is "still wrong" but no one has been able to figure out what it is.
I knew after reading that that I am over the hate in my heart for him and anyone in his family...though I never really felt any bad feelings towards his dad or his grandparents. I have moved on from those ill feelings and I'm happy about it.
Now though, I need some prayers for some things if anyone reads this and wants to jump in.
First, my friend Robbie's grandmother is in the hospital. She originally went in for fluid on her lungs but now is having issues with her heart. They're taking her to Charlotte on Monday, so keep her in your thoughts.
And otherwise I want prayers for Sandy Hawkins, that's Alex's mom. I still don't know all the details, but she is definitely in need of them figuring out what exactly is still going wrong.
Thanks everyone!!!!
Suddenly I felt a weight lifted and I just felt...better. I continued to pray and just have a little one-on-one time with God until Patrick came in and we made up. We both apologized for the fight and held each other and moved on. Life continued on...
...but for once it hasn't continued on in the "same old same old" kind of way. My mind feels completely transformed. The night after this we were back in Boone and I was all hopped up on energy drinks from driving home from the beach. While Patrick slept I laid there with my eyes open praying...no, not praying...talking to God. I laid there for about two hours just talking. Venting, laughing, even just telling him how my day went. I talked to God as if I was literally looking right into his eyes and having a conversation. I've learned...this is the way that praying works best for me. I had never really tried praying that way, and not sure why, but it was amazing for me. Some people do better, as pastor Marianne said, heads bowed and eyes closed. I'm learning that I'm not one of those people. I already have realized that God speaks to me through music and now I know that for me, praying works better as just relaxed conversation. During my talk with God that night I told him how I have so many fears about the whole youth pastor thing. I told him that I know it's what he wants me to do and that I know I've been putting it on the back burner, but that I'm scared.
It was the very next day that I got on the phone with the assistant pastor, Tracey. I told her that I wanted to talk to her about youth ministry. I went in to the church office and began helping her with the food pantry. I haven't volunteered much in church since The Rock because until this new church I hadn't felt connected to a church on a deeper level. But volunteering with the food pantry quickly seemed like second nature and the hour and a half I was there went by quickly. Then I sat down with her.
Very long story short, she put me in touch with Kyle who is the youth minister at Faithbridge. He has invited me to a lunch on Sunday after church with him and others from the ministry team. Tracey wants me to spend time working alongside him and learning. It's a chance to gain experience and follow my calling from God. I'm so excited, but at the same time so extremely nervous. I never thought that the day I finally pursued ministry would be the day that it actually started the wheels turning and got the bus moving...but when you're called to something from God it's only inevitable that you're going to end up on that path lol. Anyways so that means that I now have an extremely full Sunday. I will be taking a class on spiritual disciplines taught by Tracey before church, then I have church, then the lunch, then at five I was going to go to an event I saw Jonathan Fawcett post about on Facebook that's at Legends. That is unless I need to go to the youth meeting that night to work with Kyle. Sadly the love of my life won't be joining me for a lot of this because I had forgotten he has a benefit airsoft game that day. They're collecting toys for children for Christmas :). I wish him so much luck with that!!
Hmmm so now onto the "clearing my head."
I realize more and more everyday that I've gotten over my feelings for my ex-husband, and that I'm able to move on with my life but still wish him well in his. It took me a while to not have feelings for him, but once I was able to get over that I still can admit to having some hatred in my heart. I didn't love him, but instead I had replaced it with hate. And hate is always taxing on your emotions, it's never a good thing. Now though, I've gotten rid of that too. I knew it for certain when I went to his mother's facebook page. Yes, I admit it...sometimes I check out the pages of his family. It's not because I'm hanging onto anything, it's because I care about how their life is going and wish that I had a way to be updated on it. Sadly I was met with seeing her posts about surgeries. I immediately felt panicked and worried. As much as her and I never got along, I never would want her to have to go through anything bad. I looked back through months of posts and couldn't figure out what was going on so I texted Alex's fiance. She told me that his mother had her gallbladder removed and now something is "still wrong" but no one has been able to figure out what it is.
I knew after reading that that I am over the hate in my heart for him and anyone in his family...though I never really felt any bad feelings towards his dad or his grandparents. I have moved on from those ill feelings and I'm happy about it.
Now though, I need some prayers for some things if anyone reads this and wants to jump in.
First, my friend Robbie's grandmother is in the hospital. She originally went in for fluid on her lungs but now is having issues with her heart. They're taking her to Charlotte on Monday, so keep her in your thoughts.
And otherwise I want prayers for Sandy Hawkins, that's Alex's mom. I still don't know all the details, but she is definitely in need of them figuring out what exactly is still going wrong.
Thanks everyone!!!!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Christianity should be about faith, not religion.
This goes for just about everything in general dealing with "religion"...it should be about faith. It really upsets me how much we as Christians fight over all the things we don't have in common instead of focusing on all the great things that we share. I remember talking to a friend who went with her church on a missions trip and her church wouldn't let another church there work with them just because that church wasn't Baptist and instead was a Non-Denominational Church. Really?
Really?
In the end we all, for the most part, are united on two things:
1. A belief in God.
2. A belief in Jesus Christ as our savior.
Why do dwell on all the things that we don't agree on? Part of it is our human nature to want to be "right." Every individual person has to be "right" as often as possible, and if someone's opinion differs from our own (even very slightly) then they are labeled as wrong. Sure, we can all have very strong faith in what we believe is the truth about Christianity and the Bible...but when you think about it in a realistic way you should be able to admit that everything we believe is just an opinion. Some people have the opinion that the Bible is the be all end all of our religion. Others believe it was written by man, translated by man, etc and because of our free will it could be flawed. And still even another group doesn't put much faith in it as a religious text whatsoever. As the love of my life Patrick said, yesterday I think, "Everyone is just as sure that their belief is right that you believe that yours is, how passionate you are is just how passionate they may be." Or as I've heard it said before, "Opinions are like buttholes, we all have them and they all stink." As much as I may believe one way and think it's right (because again, it's human nature) another person may believe the exact opposite thing and have just as much certainty that they are right.
In the end when you just constantly bring up all those differences in opinions, our religion begins to divide. You end up with separate sects of Christianity...Baptist, Methodist, Pentecostal. There is a group who tries to get themselves out of those labels and call themselves non-denominational. For years I've been a part of that following and have enjoyed it thoroughly, yet I still see that they preach on what they believe to be right and there seems to be only a bit more wiggle room there when compared to other more strict sects. I really want a movement to start in Christianity. That movement is about bringing back the relationship of people to Christ and bringing up the common points instead of focusing on differences.
For years now I've been called into youth ministry, but haven't actually made much effort in following that calling. At first I ignored it because I didn't think that my ex-husband would go along for the ride (while we were married obviously). My next excuse was that I was scared, I had a spirit full of fear of the unknown. Thankfully that one went away when I was watching a Hillsong United DVD and one of their youth pastors talked about her initial fear in entering ministry. After that it was pure laziness that put me off. But no more. You can only ignore what God puts on your heart before you give in and realize, "This is what I was made for." I'm not sure how this whole thing will unfold, but I do know that God will be beside me every single step of the way...and if God is with you, you're covered. I am contacting the leader of the local Young Life chapter tomorrow to talk about working as a youth leader with them. Here's the thing, it's about gaining experience and knowledge. I want to get to know what it's like to lead the youth before I work on my ultimate calling of working to unite people by faith as I mention above. I think youth ministry is the first step, that's my "original calling," but over this time I've realized that in the end it's about uniting people for the cause of Heaven and working to break the barriers that divide us.
Anyways, I'll have another post (probably similar in nature) tomorrow...but for now I need to continue working lol. Keep safe everyone, and don't be blinded by those divisions.
Really?
In the end we all, for the most part, are united on two things:
1. A belief in God.
2. A belief in Jesus Christ as our savior.
Why do dwell on all the things that we don't agree on? Part of it is our human nature to want to be "right." Every individual person has to be "right" as often as possible, and if someone's opinion differs from our own (even very slightly) then they are labeled as wrong. Sure, we can all have very strong faith in what we believe is the truth about Christianity and the Bible...but when you think about it in a realistic way you should be able to admit that everything we believe is just an opinion. Some people have the opinion that the Bible is the be all end all of our religion. Others believe it was written by man, translated by man, etc and because of our free will it could be flawed. And still even another group doesn't put much faith in it as a religious text whatsoever. As the love of my life Patrick said, yesterday I think, "Everyone is just as sure that their belief is right that you believe that yours is, how passionate you are is just how passionate they may be." Or as I've heard it said before, "Opinions are like buttholes, we all have them and they all stink." As much as I may believe one way and think it's right (because again, it's human nature) another person may believe the exact opposite thing and have just as much certainty that they are right.
In the end when you just constantly bring up all those differences in opinions, our religion begins to divide. You end up with separate sects of Christianity...Baptist, Methodist, Pentecostal. There is a group who tries to get themselves out of those labels and call themselves non-denominational. For years I've been a part of that following and have enjoyed it thoroughly, yet I still see that they preach on what they believe to be right and there seems to be only a bit more wiggle room there when compared to other more strict sects. I really want a movement to start in Christianity. That movement is about bringing back the relationship of people to Christ and bringing up the common points instead of focusing on differences.
For years now I've been called into youth ministry, but haven't actually made much effort in following that calling. At first I ignored it because I didn't think that my ex-husband would go along for the ride (while we were married obviously). My next excuse was that I was scared, I had a spirit full of fear of the unknown. Thankfully that one went away when I was watching a Hillsong United DVD and one of their youth pastors talked about her initial fear in entering ministry. After that it was pure laziness that put me off. But no more. You can only ignore what God puts on your heart before you give in and realize, "This is what I was made for." I'm not sure how this whole thing will unfold, but I do know that God will be beside me every single step of the way...and if God is with you, you're covered. I am contacting the leader of the local Young Life chapter tomorrow to talk about working as a youth leader with them. Here's the thing, it's about gaining experience and knowledge. I want to get to know what it's like to lead the youth before I work on my ultimate calling of working to unite people by faith as I mention above. I think youth ministry is the first step, that's my "original calling," but over this time I've realized that in the end it's about uniting people for the cause of Heaven and working to break the barriers that divide us.
Anyways, I'll have another post (probably similar in nature) tomorrow...but for now I need to continue working lol. Keep safe everyone, and don't be blinded by those divisions.
Monday, November 8, 2010
unChristian by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons
I was in Walden Books earlier today and decided to look for a book called unChristian. Pastor Chris Stapleton from The Rock Church talked about it once in a sermon. I couldn't find it, though I did find another book by Gabe Lyons. Anyways so off to Cornerstone books I went! Not only did I find this book, but I also left there with a new devotional that is based around The Message bible. It's called The Message Remix Solo. It may be the best devotional I've ever owned and I really can't wait to get started on it! But back to this book. In unChristian they at one point poll groups of non-Christians and ask for the opinions on Christians. One of the things I remember specifically was along the lines of, "What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of Christians?" The two top answers, again...if I remember correctly, were "Hypocrisy" and "Hating homosexuals." It's terrible that the two first things that non-believers think of Christians are bad things. Sadly I believe that many Christians give our entire religion a bad name and it's worse because the media coverage of said Christians is thrice that of those of us who are trying to live our lives right! Okay I admit it...I just wanted to use the word "Thrice." :)
Another question, again I'm trying to recall this from a sermon probably 2 almost 3 years ago, that was asked was if those non-believers knew any Christians and if those Christians acted different than the ones who weren't Christians. Sorry if that was all smushed and sounded confusing, but I think you get the point. The answers were astounding, again. Almost all of those people polled said that they didn't see any difference. Listen, I'm not saying that we should be all holier-than-thou because that just turns people away and is a terrible idea in general. What I am saying is that we should live by example.
...and I hate to end there, but I have some things I really need to accomplish today. I just wanted to make sure I got a blogpost in :).
List for November 8, 2010
_x_1. Deposit money in the bank
_x_2. Look for new devotional
_x_3. Find book "unChristian"
_x_4. Finish closing duties from work last night
_x_5. Work at 4.
_x_6. Contact Teena about cleaning tomorrow
__7. Figure out flat tire situation
__8. Talk to Jesse about one day off per week
_x_9. Pray about what to do about hookah
Another question, again I'm trying to recall this from a sermon probably 2 almost 3 years ago, that was asked was if those non-believers knew any Christians and if those Christians acted different than the ones who weren't Christians. Sorry if that was all smushed and sounded confusing, but I think you get the point. The answers were astounding, again. Almost all of those people polled said that they didn't see any difference. Listen, I'm not saying that we should be all holier-than-thou because that just turns people away and is a terrible idea in general. What I am saying is that we should live by example.
...and I hate to end there, but I have some things I really need to accomplish today. I just wanted to make sure I got a blogpost in :).
List for November 8, 2010
_x_1. Deposit money in the bank
_x_2. Look for new devotional
_x_3. Find book "unChristian"
_x_4. Finish closing duties from work last night
_x_5. Work at 4.
_x_6. Contact Teena about cleaning tomorrow
__7. Figure out flat tire situation
__8. Talk to Jesse about one day off per week
_x_9. Pray about what to do about hookah
Sunday, November 7, 2010
I've found a new home church.
This morning I attended a new church. The mom of one of my friends is an assistant pastor there and has been asking me for a bit to try and stop by and told me that I would like it. This past Sunday I decided to check it out. It's name is Faithbridge Methodist and you can find them online at http://www.faithbridgeumc.org/
I'm very happy to say that I not only enjoyed this church, but I think I've found my new home church. It's been hard for me trying to find a new church after leaving Asheville and thereby no longer attending The Rock Church. That church was the first I had ever felt at home at, and replacing it has proven to be quite the task. I tried a lot of churches in Boone...Cornerstone Summit, Alliance Bible Fellowship, Living Water...and I did really enjoy the last one (Living Water). I went there a lot and tried to be active, but in the end it still didn't feel "right." It didn't feel like home. I still hold Living Water and the others, as well as The Rock Church, very dear to my heart but I definitely feel that Faithbridge is where I'm meant to be here in Boone.
The sermon was about how busy life is these days and how everyone basically needs to slow down and not be so hurried all the time. One thing she brought up that especially spoke to my heart was having a day of rest for the Sabbath. She mentioned that this day of rest doesn't need to be on a Sunday, but our bodies will thrive and our souls with thrive if we give them the rest needed for them to be at their best. One of my new goals is now going to be to have one day of rest. This is a day where I will just spend time with God and be at peace. No electronics, No social networking, No talking about work or going to work. One day of rest. I'm going to talk to my boss about this in the next couple of days and ask for a certain day off each week to have the ability to do this. The only things that will be allowed in my world at that time besides God are my children and Patrick. Period, done deal.
I had a great night at the lounge with Patrick. We talked about religion and I was informed that he is in fact religious, he's just more about a one-on-one relationship with God than feeling the need to attend church and have fellowship with other Christians. He talked to me about the meaning behind the cross tattoo on his back, and we cuddled and listened to Christian music over the speakers. There was some major spiritual connecting with him on my part, and I hope that he felt the same connecting on his end. All in all, it was a good night :).
Let's see Let's see...
Oh, I didn't do so well with the smoking today. I know that it's not something I'll do forever, but quitting is really hard. Not because of the nicotine, it's actually not something I feel any addiction to at this point. I think my addiction is to the practice of smoking hookah and also the social aspect of it. I work at a hookah lounge and in my free time what have I always done? Sat down with friends and smoked a hookah. It has been my life for about a year now, though I've only been working there a few months...I was smoking at the lounge prior to that. The times that I miss smoking hookah aren't as much when I'm alone as when I have people around and I'm sitting at the lounge with nothing to do. I just want to sit with them and enjoy.
Right now I'm going to sit down and really decide what I want to do about this, and hardcore pray about it. I need to figure out not just what's best for me, but what does God feel is right in this situation...? Anyone who reads this just keep me in your prayers and pray for me to be shown the right path.
List for November 7, 2010
_x_1. Attend church at Faithbridge
_x_4. Talk with PJ about religion
_x_5. Pray before bed, at the least
I'm very happy to say that I not only enjoyed this church, but I think I've found my new home church. It's been hard for me trying to find a new church after leaving Asheville and thereby no longer attending The Rock Church. That church was the first I had ever felt at home at, and replacing it has proven to be quite the task. I tried a lot of churches in Boone...Cornerstone Summit, Alliance Bible Fellowship, Living Water...and I did really enjoy the last one (Living Water). I went there a lot and tried to be active, but in the end it still didn't feel "right." It didn't feel like home. I still hold Living Water and the others, as well as The Rock Church, very dear to my heart but I definitely feel that Faithbridge is where I'm meant to be here in Boone.
The sermon was about how busy life is these days and how everyone basically needs to slow down and not be so hurried all the time. One thing she brought up that especially spoke to my heart was having a day of rest for the Sabbath. She mentioned that this day of rest doesn't need to be on a Sunday, but our bodies will thrive and our souls with thrive if we give them the rest needed for them to be at their best. One of my new goals is now going to be to have one day of rest. This is a day where I will just spend time with God and be at peace. No electronics, No social networking, No talking about work or going to work. One day of rest. I'm going to talk to my boss about this in the next couple of days and ask for a certain day off each week to have the ability to do this. The only things that will be allowed in my world at that time besides God are my children and Patrick. Period, done deal.
I had a great night at the lounge with Patrick. We talked about religion and I was informed that he is in fact religious, he's just more about a one-on-one relationship with God than feeling the need to attend church and have fellowship with other Christians. He talked to me about the meaning behind the cross tattoo on his back, and we cuddled and listened to Christian music over the speakers. There was some major spiritual connecting with him on my part, and I hope that he felt the same connecting on his end. All in all, it was a good night :).
Let's see Let's see...
Oh, I didn't do so well with the smoking today. I know that it's not something I'll do forever, but quitting is really hard. Not because of the nicotine, it's actually not something I feel any addiction to at this point. I think my addiction is to the practice of smoking hookah and also the social aspect of it. I work at a hookah lounge and in my free time what have I always done? Sat down with friends and smoked a hookah. It has been my life for about a year now, though I've only been working there a few months...I was smoking at the lounge prior to that. The times that I miss smoking hookah aren't as much when I'm alone as when I have people around and I'm sitting at the lounge with nothing to do. I just want to sit with them and enjoy.
Right now I'm going to sit down and really decide what I want to do about this, and hardcore pray about it. I need to figure out not just what's best for me, but what does God feel is right in this situation...? Anyone who reads this just keep me in your prayers and pray for me to be shown the right path.
List for November 7, 2010
_x_1. Attend church at Faithbridge
__2. Don't smoke hookah **didn't accomplish**
_x_3. Figure out this months budget/bills_x_4. Talk with PJ about religion
_x_5. Pray before bed, at the least
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Today is the start of something wonderful and beautiful.
I wrote the love of my life a letter last night and told him that I wanted to be able to share my faith with him. The long story short is that I used to be very active in church, strong in my faith, and that was a very happy time in my life. Then things went south, I fell away from God and went down a road I wish I hadn't went down. I associated myself with people who didn't uplift me, instead they brought me down and took me down the wrong path. I want to make something clear, it wasn't that they weren't religious. In fact, some of the most loving and uplifting people I have in my life aren't religious (such as Robbie, who is an atheist) and some of the ones who have brought me down the most have called themselves Christians (a particular woman comes to mind, but I have forgiven her in my heart now and so I won't name names).
No, it wasn't that they had a lack of faith, it was a myriad of other reasons. Some "friends" wanted to do nothing around me but talk negatively about others, some wanted me to participate in things that were against my personal code of ethics, and others were just...well, not the kind of people I needed to be around. The sad thing is that when you begin to fall away from God, all of these things begin to seem "not that bad" and before you know it you are so far away from the right direction that you don't even know up from down anymore. The next thing I know I was doing all kinds of things, even the smallest of things that wouldn't matter to others, that I didn't want to do. I was eating fast food every other meal if not every meal, I was further neglecting my health by smoking tobacco in the form of hookah/shisha, I was back to cursing like a sailor (I'm not against cursing by the way, will go into that at a later date), I was drinking, I was being a total bitch, and on top of that there were many other things going wrong that I don't even want to get into publicly. My life was in shambles. It never dawned on me that maybe my loss of faith was to blame for all of things paired with my not having a job nor a steady home. In fact, I should say that the thought did in fact cross my mind...but I was so far gone that I just pushed it away and considered it silly.
At one point I really tried getting back into the swing of things. I was back in church, at the awesome Living Water Christian Fellowship, and things were looking up. I had a very part-time job, but a job nonetheless, and was living with my mom. It wasn't the best life ever, but it was better than what I head previously. I even put my faith in something I was weary of and God showed me a little instant gratification (which He's not always known for lol). I remember walking into Living Water, back before the renovations, and after worship an older lady began talking to me. She had seen me crying while I was singing and just smiled at me and asked, "So...what's your story?" I smiled through tears and began venting. I told her about how my ex-husband was abusive towards me and about the entire custody situation (I'll go into that also at a later date) and how I just couldn't catch a break. She gave me a hug and promised me that things would look up for me. Soon after that it was time for the offering/tithe. I immediately had a thought run through my head, it was a sermon I had heard at The Rock Church in Asheville. I remembered the verse Malachi 3:10...
"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have enough room for it.
I sat there, with the only five dollars I had to my name clutched in my hand. I remember it vividly because I can recall that it seemed like forever that I sat there contemplating my next move. Should I keep the five dollars and use it for important things like food? Or should I put faith in one of the only times He straight up says, "Test me in this," and just give me last five dollars and know that He will provide the rest? Finally when the basket came by, I took a long deep breath and put in the five dollars. The next thing that happened will be chalked up to many as being just a coincidence, but I don't. Not with every other "coincidence" that has been God related in my life. Anyways so I sat there, almost crying, because I was just thinking, "Oh gosh what did I just do?!" and then it happened. The service let out and the old lady who I had talked to came up and gave me a huge hug. She told me how it was her last Sunday at Living Water because she was moving out of state. She thanked me for talking to her and told me to just always remember that God is in my corner. Right before she walked out of the door she shook my hand and slipped me a twenty dollar bill.
Instant gratification. I put my faith, my full faith, in the Lord and I was met with him giving me a sign that it was the right choice.
Whew so anyways I swear there was a point to this other than my rambling.
Ah, well I guess I'll get back to my original point. I've realized at this time in my life that God brought Patrick (PJ) to me. He's an amazing man and my soul mate. I believe that he was put on this earth for me, and I was put on this earth for him. I've also spent time thinking about and noticing that there's no other way to put it...he's the other half of my spirit. That being said, yesterday his ex- wrote him a text and talked about how she had a boyfriend now that she loves who prays with her and prays over her life. It inspired me. I wanted to make sure that Patrick knew that I do the same for him. I wake up every day and thank God for him, thank God for my children, and pray over our lives because I want to show my appreciation for him every single day. I brought up to him yesterday that I'm sad over how my life has gone in the almost year before I met him. Sure I tried to get back to God, but it just didn't happen. But then yesterday it hit me that I no longer want to be this stray sheep I've been. I want to be back in the arms of God and loved for all of eternity!! And I want to share that with Patrick.
I've told him now that I want to continue my past pursuit of becoming a youth pastor. Sure, going to school for computer programming may seem more "realistic" but God has had this calling for my life for as long as I can remember and I want to follow the path I believe I was meant to follow. I want to begin being active in church again the way I was at The Rock church. I want to volunteer, I want to go on mission trips, I want to be immersed in the Spirit every minute of EVERY DAY!!!
Now for anyone who doesn't know me, this may seem a little off kilter from my personality. What most people don't realize is that even when I fell away from God I still believed in Him, I was still a Christian...I had just gone astray. Yes I have pink hair, yes I have piercings and tattoos...but those are the very same things that I feel will be an advantage for me as a youth pastor. I want to be myself and show people that no matter who you are and what you look like, GOD LOVES YOU. He loves every dot of ink, He loves every piece of metal, He loves your mohawk....your bihawk...heck, even your trihawk haha. He loves every single person for who they are as individuals. And even though this is a hot button issue: He loves you if you're gay. He loves your boyfriend, He loves your girlfriend. I don't care if people want to think I'm some terrible Christian because I'm not against homosexuality, because I don't think I'm going to heaven and having God say, "sorry, you're going to hell because you thought I loved too much." Nope, just can't believe it :). My God, your God, loves every single person on the face of this entire earth and you know what? If there are aliens I bet He loves them too.
Again with the rambling, Gosh this is a long blog entry!
The end of this entry will be like the end of many entries. I am going to make a list of things I want to do or work on not doing today. Things to better myself as a person and as a Christian, because I feel like everyday should be used in a positive way.
List for November 6, 2010
_x_1. I will read Genesis Chapters 1-5.
_x_2. I will find my devotional and do the one for today. (Found a devotional online at upperroom.org and did that one)
_x_3. My devotional should be almost finished, so look for a new one online.
_x_4. I will treat Patrick as my equal and my soul mate.
_x_5. I will not smoke hookah.
_x_6. I reiterate: I WILL NOT SMOKE HOOKAH.
_x_7. I won't eat out, I will cook all of my meals.
_x_8. I will do my job today as best I can, because keeping a job entails working hard at it.
_x_9. I will pray before bed, at the least.
No, it wasn't that they had a lack of faith, it was a myriad of other reasons. Some "friends" wanted to do nothing around me but talk negatively about others, some wanted me to participate in things that were against my personal code of ethics, and others were just...well, not the kind of people I needed to be around. The sad thing is that when you begin to fall away from God, all of these things begin to seem "not that bad" and before you know it you are so far away from the right direction that you don't even know up from down anymore. The next thing I know I was doing all kinds of things, even the smallest of things that wouldn't matter to others, that I didn't want to do. I was eating fast food every other meal if not every meal, I was further neglecting my health by smoking tobacco in the form of hookah/shisha, I was back to cursing like a sailor (I'm not against cursing by the way, will go into that at a later date), I was drinking, I was being a total bitch, and on top of that there were many other things going wrong that I don't even want to get into publicly. My life was in shambles. It never dawned on me that maybe my loss of faith was to blame for all of things paired with my not having a job nor a steady home. In fact, I should say that the thought did in fact cross my mind...but I was so far gone that I just pushed it away and considered it silly.
At one point I really tried getting back into the swing of things. I was back in church, at the awesome Living Water Christian Fellowship, and things were looking up. I had a very part-time job, but a job nonetheless, and was living with my mom. It wasn't the best life ever, but it was better than what I head previously. I even put my faith in something I was weary of and God showed me a little instant gratification (which He's not always known for lol). I remember walking into Living Water, back before the renovations, and after worship an older lady began talking to me. She had seen me crying while I was singing and just smiled at me and asked, "So...what's your story?" I smiled through tears and began venting. I told her about how my ex-husband was abusive towards me and about the entire custody situation (I'll go into that also at a later date) and how I just couldn't catch a break. She gave me a hug and promised me that things would look up for me. Soon after that it was time for the offering/tithe. I immediately had a thought run through my head, it was a sermon I had heard at The Rock Church in Asheville. I remembered the verse Malachi 3:10...
"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have enough room for it.
I sat there, with the only five dollars I had to my name clutched in my hand. I remember it vividly because I can recall that it seemed like forever that I sat there contemplating my next move. Should I keep the five dollars and use it for important things like food? Or should I put faith in one of the only times He straight up says, "Test me in this," and just give me last five dollars and know that He will provide the rest? Finally when the basket came by, I took a long deep breath and put in the five dollars. The next thing that happened will be chalked up to many as being just a coincidence, but I don't. Not with every other "coincidence" that has been God related in my life. Anyways so I sat there, almost crying, because I was just thinking, "Oh gosh what did I just do?!" and then it happened. The service let out and the old lady who I had talked to came up and gave me a huge hug. She told me how it was her last Sunday at Living Water because she was moving out of state. She thanked me for talking to her and told me to just always remember that God is in my corner. Right before she walked out of the door she shook my hand and slipped me a twenty dollar bill.
Instant gratification. I put my faith, my full faith, in the Lord and I was met with him giving me a sign that it was the right choice.
Whew so anyways I swear there was a point to this other than my rambling.
Ah, well I guess I'll get back to my original point. I've realized at this time in my life that God brought Patrick (PJ) to me. He's an amazing man and my soul mate. I believe that he was put on this earth for me, and I was put on this earth for him. I've also spent time thinking about and noticing that there's no other way to put it...he's the other half of my spirit. That being said, yesterday his ex- wrote him a text and talked about how she had a boyfriend now that she loves who prays with her and prays over her life. It inspired me. I wanted to make sure that Patrick knew that I do the same for him. I wake up every day and thank God for him, thank God for my children, and pray over our lives because I want to show my appreciation for him every single day. I brought up to him yesterday that I'm sad over how my life has gone in the almost year before I met him. Sure I tried to get back to God, but it just didn't happen. But then yesterday it hit me that I no longer want to be this stray sheep I've been. I want to be back in the arms of God and loved for all of eternity!! And I want to share that with Patrick.
I've told him now that I want to continue my past pursuit of becoming a youth pastor. Sure, going to school for computer programming may seem more "realistic" but God has had this calling for my life for as long as I can remember and I want to follow the path I believe I was meant to follow. I want to begin being active in church again the way I was at The Rock church. I want to volunteer, I want to go on mission trips, I want to be immersed in the Spirit every minute of EVERY DAY!!!
Now for anyone who doesn't know me, this may seem a little off kilter from my personality. What most people don't realize is that even when I fell away from God I still believed in Him, I was still a Christian...I had just gone astray. Yes I have pink hair, yes I have piercings and tattoos...but those are the very same things that I feel will be an advantage for me as a youth pastor. I want to be myself and show people that no matter who you are and what you look like, GOD LOVES YOU. He loves every dot of ink, He loves every piece of metal, He loves your mohawk....your bihawk...heck, even your trihawk haha. He loves every single person for who they are as individuals. And even though this is a hot button issue: He loves you if you're gay. He loves your boyfriend, He loves your girlfriend. I don't care if people want to think I'm some terrible Christian because I'm not against homosexuality, because I don't think I'm going to heaven and having God say, "sorry, you're going to hell because you thought I loved too much." Nope, just can't believe it :). My God, your God, loves every single person on the face of this entire earth and you know what? If there are aliens I bet He loves them too.
Again with the rambling, Gosh this is a long blog entry!
The end of this entry will be like the end of many entries. I am going to make a list of things I want to do or work on not doing today. Things to better myself as a person and as a Christian, because I feel like everyday should be used in a positive way.
List for November 6, 2010
_x_1. I will read Genesis Chapters 1-5.
_x_2. I will find my devotional and do the one for today. (Found a devotional online at upperroom.org and did that one)
_x_3. My devotional should be almost finished, so look for a new one online.
_x_4. I will treat Patrick as my equal and my soul mate.
_x_5. I will not smoke hookah.
_x_6. I reiterate: I WILL NOT SMOKE HOOKAH.
_x_7. I won't eat out, I will cook all of my meals.
_x_8. I will do my job today as best I can, because keeping a job entails working hard at it.
_x_9. I will pray before bed, at the least.
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