New Years Resolutions

New Years is always an interesting time.

People reflect on the past year and make resolutions to improve in the new one. I'm happy to say I have always kept my resolutions, but part of that is that I always make ones that I'm extremely confident that I can keep. I also make ones that are specific, because it's easier to keep track of ones like that compared to ones that are broad and somewhat open-ended. I have to say that most people I know don't keep their resolutions. Everyone goes into the year with good intentions, but there's always a reason that they don't pan out. Part of that is that you have be realistic and learn to forgive yourself. I feel like being realistic with yourself and your resolutions is key to keeping them.

Be realistic.
Are you actually going to the gym enough times every week/month of the year to justify that gym membership you're going to paying for?
Are you actually going to give up 100% of sweets? You're not going to sneak a peanut butter cup even ONCE?
Are you actually going to read the Bible every single day? EVERY.SINGLE.DAY?

Probably not.
But that doesn't mean that the moment you mess up that you should give up your resolution completely. That's right, I'm calling people out here. Most people I know who give up on resolutions do so because they messed up one time...
"I missed going to the gym the past two days, I should just stay home today too."
"Well, I ate a piece of candy...might as well go buy a whole bag and pig out."
"I haven't read my Bible in like two weeks...screw it."

If you want to keep resolutions, you can't beat yourself when you mess up. The point of a resolution isn't to obtain perfection. The point of a resolution is to make a conscious effort to better yourself about something you feel you need to work on. Here's something you have to just accept: At some point you are probably going to do something you made a resolution you wouldn't do.

Remember how I said I always keep my resolutions? That doesn't mean that every second of every day I lived up to them. It means that at the end of the year I felt that I accomplished my goal of doing better with "x" and that I felt I created good habits that I can keep in the long term. "Keeping" a resolution is a personal thing. Maybe you didn't go to the gym like you wanted...but you lost 15 pounds and gained some muscle definition. Sure you didn't "keep" your resolution to about going to the gym, but you achieved your goal for going to the gym. You kept your resolution. If you made a goal to go to the gym and eat better you were more than likely trying to lose weight or gain muscle/muscle definition. Maybe that's not what you wrote down, but it was your real objective.

I don't know, I guess my point is to not be too hard on yourself this upcoming year.

That's my personal resolution, not to be too hard on myself. Sometimes I won't keep up with my devotionals the way I want to. Sometimes I'm not going to eat the healthiest or exercise. Sometimes I'm not going to have the clearest complexion. Sometimes I'm going to make an absolute fool of myself in public. And sometimes I'm going to want to be so self-critical that in the past I would have ended the day in tears.

But that was in the past.
This year, I resolve to not be so hard on myself!
What's your resolution?

Youth Ministry and Clearing My Head

First things first, I want to share something I haven't really shared with anyone...not even Patrick...at this point.  I had a breakdown over Thanksgiving vacation.  I should have talked to Patrick about it, but I just haven't been in the right mental state to be able to discuss it without getting emotional...I'm not good at being that emotional in front of people.  It's a fault, and I recognize it.  Anyways so him and I were having an argument.  Details in this aren't important and I don't need to air our dirty laundry on the internet.  The point is that I was sleeping in the bed at his parent's house and he was in the living room.  We were both brooding and texting each other.  At that point I'm not even sure what happened, but I broke down crying and just couldn't stop.  I had all these bad thoughts...that I'm going to be a horrible wife, that I'm a bad mother...and they just kept escalating until I was hyperventilating and worrying over things like, "When we have kids, he's going to leave me and take the kids."  Which with my past situation, which some of you are aware of, is a legitimate fear.  I've relayed these fears to Patrick in the past and he's promised me that would never happen.  He's seen the pain that I have from the situation with the kids and he swears he would never do that to me.  But it doesn't change that I have the fear.  All of this continued to get worse and worse until I almost couldn't breathe and out of nowhere came the biggest repenting session I've ever had in my entire life.  I laid there just staring up at the ceiling with tears rolling down my face asking God to forgive me for everything I've ever done against him.  I literally kept crying out (in a 'whisper yell') "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!" and it just kept going.  I continued texting Patrick through all of this, not even sure how I had the strength to use my fingers at that point.

Suddenly I felt a weight lifted and I just felt...better.  I continued to pray and just have a little one-on-one time with God until Patrick came in and we made up.  We both apologized for the fight and held each other and moved on.  Life continued on...

...but for once it hasn't continued on in the "same old same old" kind of way.  My mind feels completely transformed.  The night after this we were back in Boone and I was all hopped up on energy drinks from driving home from the beach.  While Patrick slept I laid there with my eyes open praying...no, not praying...talking to God.  I laid there for about two hours just talking.  Venting, laughing, even just telling him how my day went.  I talked to God as if I was literally looking right into his eyes and having a conversation.  I've learned...this is the way that praying works best for me.  I had never really tried praying that way, and not sure why, but it was amazing for me.  Some people do better, as pastor Marianne said, heads bowed and eyes closed.  I'm learning that I'm not one of those people.  I already have realized that God speaks to me through music and now I know that for me, praying works better as just relaxed conversation.  During my talk with God that night I told him how I have so many fears about the whole youth pastor thing.  I told him that I know it's what he wants me to do and that I know I've been putting it on the back burner, but that I'm scared.

It was the very next day that I got on the phone with the assistant pastor, Tracey.  I told her that I wanted to talk to her about youth ministry.  I went in to the church office and began helping her with the food pantry.  I haven't volunteered much in church since The Rock because until this new church I hadn't felt connected to a church on a deeper level.  But volunteering with the food pantry quickly seemed like second nature and the hour and a half I was there went by quickly.  Then I sat down with her.

Very long story short, she put me in touch with Kyle who is the youth minister at Faithbridge.  He has invited me to a lunch on Sunday after church with him and others from the ministry team.  Tracey wants me to spend time working alongside him and learning.  It's a chance to gain experience and follow my calling from God.  I'm so excited, but at the same time so extremely nervous.  I never thought that the day I finally pursued ministry would be the day that it actually started the wheels turning and got the bus moving...but when you're called to something from God it's only inevitable that you're going to end up on that path lol.  Anyways so that means that I now have an extremely full Sunday.  I will be taking a class on spiritual disciplines taught by Tracey before church, then I have church, then the lunch, then at five I was going to go to an event I saw Jonathan Fawcett post about on Facebook that's at Legends.  That is unless I need to go to the youth meeting that night to work with Kyle.  Sadly the love of my life won't be joining me for a lot of this because I had forgotten he has a benefit airsoft game that day.  They're collecting toys for children for Christmas :).  I wish him so much luck with that!!

Hmmm so now onto the "clearing my head."
I realize more and more everyday that I've gotten over my feelings for my ex-husband, and that I'm able to move on with my life but still wish him well in his.  It took me a while to not have feelings for him, but once I was able to get over that I still can admit to having some hatred in my heart.  I didn't love him, but instead I had replaced it with hate.  And hate is always taxing on your emotions, it's never a good thing.  Now though, I've gotten rid of that too.  I knew it for certain when I went to his mother's facebook page.  Yes, I admit it...sometimes I check out the pages of his family.  It's not because I'm hanging onto anything, it's because I care about how their life is going and wish that I had a way to be updated on it.  Sadly I was met with seeing her posts about surgeries.  I immediately felt panicked and worried.  As much as her and I never got along, I never would want her to have to go through anything bad.  I looked back through months of posts and couldn't figure out what was going on so I texted Alex's fiance.  She told me that his mother had her gallbladder removed and now something is "still wrong" but no one has been able to figure out what it is.
I knew after reading that that I am over the hate in my heart for him and anyone in his family...though I never really felt any bad feelings towards his dad or his grandparents.  I have moved on from those ill feelings and I'm happy about it.


Now though, I need some prayers for some things if anyone reads this and wants to jump in.
First, my friend Robbie's grandmother is in the hospital.  She originally went in for fluid on her lungs but now is having issues with her heart.  They're taking her to Charlotte on Monday, so keep her in your thoughts.
And otherwise I want prayers for Sandy Hawkins, that's Alex's mom.  I still don't know all the details, but she is definitely in need of them figuring out what exactly is still going wrong.

Thanks everyone!!!!

Taking steps in the right direction.

Forgiveness isn't always the easiest thing to have towards people, nor is it the easiest thing to ask from people.  I'm taking time out of my life right now to contact people I think I've wronged in the past and ask forgiveness.  I gotta tell you, it takes a lot out of you!  I wrote a couple of people from The Rock who I thought I wrongfully cut out of my life and apologized, I explained what I think I did wrong.  The end of each one made it clear that they didn't have to contact me back, but that either way I wanted to ask their forgiveness.  So far none of those have written me back, but that's okay.  Even if they don't forgive me, asking for forgiveness has started clearing the negative emotions out of my heart and I'm able to forgive myself much easier for things I've done in my past.  The most recent apology was given to my ex-husband.  I didn't apologize for feeling hurt by the way I was treated, I didn't apologize for leaving the relationship...those are things I still feel justified in and have no guilty conscious over.  I did, however, apologize for not always being a good wife and for the hurt I gave him during the relationship.  I also told him to please tell his parents that I apologize to them.  For sometimes taking advantage of his father's good nature, because his father is an amazing man and never deserved one bit of it.  ...and I told him to tell his mom I apologize because I said some pretty nasty things in an e-mail that I sent to her.  I will admit that she also wasn't very nice to me prior to that, but I forgive her for that and I'm not going to hold it against her.  Just because someone doesn't treat you how you think they should, doesn't give you the right to hold it over them and say things back to them out of anger...which is what I did.

All in all this apologizing thing is going well, and that's what matters.  I have a lot more people I want to write to, I just have to pace myself.  Like I said, it may be a nice thing to do and it gets some weight off your shoulders but at the same time it's a hard thing to do and it takes more energy than I had originally thought it would.

I don't think many people read this, but for anyone who does...I have one request.  At some point this week, take a few minutes out to apologize to someone in your life that you've hurt.  You'll brighten their spirit at the same time you brighten your own <3