So much going on!

Wow everyone, so I'm extremely sorry about not updating more but things have been kind of crazy. I'm going to try and go over everything happening in my life, though not going into ALL of it...yet :).

First things first, the snow has been off and on so the "off" time has given me a chance to spend more time with the Faithbridge youth at my church. I found out I have common friends with a couple of them and I am getting along great with all of them from what I can tell. I finally was able to make it to a Sunday youth meeting last week, and it was great. We chatted over lasagna and then worked on Kyle's series about "working out." Had some great acoustic worship and I just see God wanting to do amazing things in the lives of these kids.

PJ and I have also joined a blended families small group through Faithbridge. It's hard being that kind of family, with me having children from a previous marriage. We missed the first meeting due to other circumstances, but today is the second meeting and so I can't wait to try and dig a car out of the snow and head over :). We're reading a book about step-families. It's going to be nice to be around people who can understand your situation. I've been in churches where if you were divorced, no matter what the reason (physical or emotional abuse, adultery, etc) you were treated like the scum of the earth. So glad my church is amazing and doesn't treat people that way!! Living as a blended family has it's own unique challenges and I'm happy to see a group addressing those challenges with full force.

PJ and I are also taking the Connecting with Faithbridge class, which is a 6 week class. It ends with us being able to decide to become official members. Well of course we already planned on doing that, so this is just a chance for fellowship and to learn more about our church. It's great seeing the different walks of life that people are coming from and being led to this church. I love it!!

Whew so last thing, on the job front. My friend had me turn in an application yesterday to work full-time at his convenience store. Not the most cushy job in the world, but when you need work you take what you can get! He hasn't called me yet about what hours I'll be having, so I'm still waiting on that. If by some chance he doesn't call...which would be odd...I have other options right now. I have an application in at a factory in Mountain City and that seems promising even though they won't be calling me back for at least another week or so according to the woman I spoke to.

The job I am really praying over, and everyone pray for me about it, is the job I applied for at Samaritan's Purse. It's basically similar to secretarial work and I want this job really bad. It could open doors for me to work more with Christian based services and better job positions.

Well everyone that's it for now, hope everyone is doing well :)

Youth Ministry and Clearing My Head

First things first, I want to share something I haven't really shared with anyone...not even Patrick...at this point.  I had a breakdown over Thanksgiving vacation.  I should have talked to Patrick about it, but I just haven't been in the right mental state to be able to discuss it without getting emotional...I'm not good at being that emotional in front of people.  It's a fault, and I recognize it.  Anyways so him and I were having an argument.  Details in this aren't important and I don't need to air our dirty laundry on the internet.  The point is that I was sleeping in the bed at his parent's house and he was in the living room.  We were both brooding and texting each other.  At that point I'm not even sure what happened, but I broke down crying and just couldn't stop.  I had all these bad thoughts...that I'm going to be a horrible wife, that I'm a bad mother...and they just kept escalating until I was hyperventilating and worrying over things like, "When we have kids, he's going to leave me and take the kids."  Which with my past situation, which some of you are aware of, is a legitimate fear.  I've relayed these fears to Patrick in the past and he's promised me that would never happen.  He's seen the pain that I have from the situation with the kids and he swears he would never do that to me.  But it doesn't change that I have the fear.  All of this continued to get worse and worse until I almost couldn't breathe and out of nowhere came the biggest repenting session I've ever had in my entire life.  I laid there just staring up at the ceiling with tears rolling down my face asking God to forgive me for everything I've ever done against him.  I literally kept crying out (in a 'whisper yell') "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!" and it just kept going.  I continued texting Patrick through all of this, not even sure how I had the strength to use my fingers at that point.

Suddenly I felt a weight lifted and I just felt...better.  I continued to pray and just have a little one-on-one time with God until Patrick came in and we made up.  We both apologized for the fight and held each other and moved on.  Life continued on...

...but for once it hasn't continued on in the "same old same old" kind of way.  My mind feels completely transformed.  The night after this we were back in Boone and I was all hopped up on energy drinks from driving home from the beach.  While Patrick slept I laid there with my eyes open praying...no, not praying...talking to God.  I laid there for about two hours just talking.  Venting, laughing, even just telling him how my day went.  I talked to God as if I was literally looking right into his eyes and having a conversation.  I've learned...this is the way that praying works best for me.  I had never really tried praying that way, and not sure why, but it was amazing for me.  Some people do better, as pastor Marianne said, heads bowed and eyes closed.  I'm learning that I'm not one of those people.  I already have realized that God speaks to me through music and now I know that for me, praying works better as just relaxed conversation.  During my talk with God that night I told him how I have so many fears about the whole youth pastor thing.  I told him that I know it's what he wants me to do and that I know I've been putting it on the back burner, but that I'm scared.

It was the very next day that I got on the phone with the assistant pastor, Tracey.  I told her that I wanted to talk to her about youth ministry.  I went in to the church office and began helping her with the food pantry.  I haven't volunteered much in church since The Rock because until this new church I hadn't felt connected to a church on a deeper level.  But volunteering with the food pantry quickly seemed like second nature and the hour and a half I was there went by quickly.  Then I sat down with her.

Very long story short, she put me in touch with Kyle who is the youth minister at Faithbridge.  He has invited me to a lunch on Sunday after church with him and others from the ministry team.  Tracey wants me to spend time working alongside him and learning.  It's a chance to gain experience and follow my calling from God.  I'm so excited, but at the same time so extremely nervous.  I never thought that the day I finally pursued ministry would be the day that it actually started the wheels turning and got the bus moving...but when you're called to something from God it's only inevitable that you're going to end up on that path lol.  Anyways so that means that I now have an extremely full Sunday.  I will be taking a class on spiritual disciplines taught by Tracey before church, then I have church, then the lunch, then at five I was going to go to an event I saw Jonathan Fawcett post about on Facebook that's at Legends.  That is unless I need to go to the youth meeting that night to work with Kyle.  Sadly the love of my life won't be joining me for a lot of this because I had forgotten he has a benefit airsoft game that day.  They're collecting toys for children for Christmas :).  I wish him so much luck with that!!

Hmmm so now onto the "clearing my head."
I realize more and more everyday that I've gotten over my feelings for my ex-husband, and that I'm able to move on with my life but still wish him well in his.  It took me a while to not have feelings for him, but once I was able to get over that I still can admit to having some hatred in my heart.  I didn't love him, but instead I had replaced it with hate.  And hate is always taxing on your emotions, it's never a good thing.  Now though, I've gotten rid of that too.  I knew it for certain when I went to his mother's facebook page.  Yes, I admit it...sometimes I check out the pages of his family.  It's not because I'm hanging onto anything, it's because I care about how their life is going and wish that I had a way to be updated on it.  Sadly I was met with seeing her posts about surgeries.  I immediately felt panicked and worried.  As much as her and I never got along, I never would want her to have to go through anything bad.  I looked back through months of posts and couldn't figure out what was going on so I texted Alex's fiance.  She told me that his mother had her gallbladder removed and now something is "still wrong" but no one has been able to figure out what it is.
I knew after reading that that I am over the hate in my heart for him and anyone in his family...though I never really felt any bad feelings towards his dad or his grandparents.  I have moved on from those ill feelings and I'm happy about it.


Now though, I need some prayers for some things if anyone reads this and wants to jump in.
First, my friend Robbie's grandmother is in the hospital.  She originally went in for fluid on her lungs but now is having issues with her heart.  They're taking her to Charlotte on Monday, so keep her in your thoughts.
And otherwise I want prayers for Sandy Hawkins, that's Alex's mom.  I still don't know all the details, but she is definitely in need of them figuring out what exactly is still going wrong.

Thanks everyone!!!!

I've found a new home church.

This morning I attended a new church.  The mom of one of my friends is an assistant pastor there and has been asking me for a bit to try and stop by and told me that I would like it.  This past Sunday I decided to check it out.  It's name is Faithbridge Methodist and you can find them online at http://www.faithbridgeumc.org/

I'm very happy to say that I not only enjoyed this church, but I think I've found my new home church.  It's been hard for me trying to find a new church after leaving Asheville and thereby no longer attending The Rock Church.  That church was the first I had ever felt at home at, and replacing it has proven to be quite the task.  I tried a lot of churches in Boone...Cornerstone Summit, Alliance Bible Fellowship, Living Water...and I did really enjoy the last one (Living Water).  I went there a lot and tried to be active, but in the end it still didn't feel "right."  It didn't feel like home.  I still hold Living Water and the others, as well as The Rock Church, very dear to my heart but I definitely feel that Faithbridge is where I'm meant to be here in Boone.

The sermon was about how busy life is these days and how everyone basically needs to slow down and not be so hurried all the time.  One thing she brought up that especially spoke to my heart was having a day of rest for the Sabbath.  She mentioned that this day of rest doesn't need to be on a Sunday, but our bodies will thrive and our souls with thrive if we give them the rest needed for them to be at their best.  One of my new goals is now going to be to have one day of rest.  This is a day where I will just spend time with God and be at peace.  No electronics, No social networking, No talking about work or going to work.  One day of rest.  I'm going to talk to my boss about this in the next couple of days and ask for a certain day off each week to have the ability to do this.  The only things that will be allowed in my world at that time besides God are my children and Patrick.  Period, done deal.

I had a great night at the lounge with Patrick.  We talked about religion and I was informed that he is in fact religious, he's just more about a one-on-one relationship with God than feeling the need to attend church and have fellowship with other Christians.  He talked to me about the meaning behind the cross tattoo on his back, and we cuddled and listened to Christian music over the speakers.  There was some major spiritual connecting with him on my part, and I hope that he felt the same connecting on his end.  All in all, it was a good night :).

Let's see Let's see...
Oh, I didn't do so well with the smoking today.  I know that it's not something I'll do forever, but quitting is really hard.  Not because of the nicotine, it's actually not something I feel any addiction to at this point.  I think my addiction is to the practice of smoking hookah and also the social aspect of it.  I work at a hookah lounge and in my free time what have I always done?  Sat down with friends and smoked a hookah.  It has been my life for about a year now, though I've only been working there a few months...I was smoking at the lounge prior to that.  The times that I miss smoking hookah aren't as much when I'm alone as when I have people around and I'm sitting at the lounge with nothing to do.  I just want to sit with them and enjoy.
Right now I'm going to sit down and really decide what I want to do about this, and hardcore pray about it.  I need to figure out not just what's best for me, but what does God feel is right in this situation...?  Anyone who reads this just keep me in your prayers and pray for me to be shown the right path.


List for November 7, 2010
_x_1. Attend church at Faithbridge

__2. Don't smoke hookah **didn't accomplish**

_x_3. Figure out this months budget/bills
_x_4. Talk with PJ about religion
_x_5. Pray before bed, at the least