I wrote the love of my life a letter last night and told him that I wanted to be able to share my faith with him. The long story short is that I used to be very active in church, strong in my faith, and that was a very happy time in my life. Then things went south, I fell away from God and went down a road I wish I hadn't went down. I associated myself with people who didn't uplift me, instead they brought me down and took me down the wrong path. I want to make something clear, it wasn't that they weren't religious. In fact, some of the most loving and uplifting people I have in my life aren't religious (such as Robbie, who is an atheist) and some of the ones who have brought me down the most have called themselves Christians (a particular woman comes to mind, but I have forgiven her in my heart now and so I won't name names).
No, it wasn't that they had a lack of faith, it was a myriad of other reasons. Some "friends" wanted to do nothing around me but talk negatively about others, some wanted me to participate in things that were against my personal code of ethics, and others were just...well, not the kind of people I needed to be around. The sad thing is that when you begin to fall away from God, all of these things begin to seem "not that bad" and before you know it you are so far away from the right direction that you don't even know up from down anymore. The next thing I know I was doing all kinds of things, even the smallest of things that wouldn't matter to others, that I didn't want to do. I was eating fast food every other meal if not every meal, I was further neglecting my health by smoking tobacco in the form of hookah/shisha, I was back to cursing like a sailor (I'm not against cursing by the way, will go into that at a later date), I was drinking, I was being a total bitch, and on top of that there were many other things going wrong that I don't even want to get into publicly. My life was in shambles. It never dawned on me that maybe my loss of faith was to blame for all of things paired with my not having a job nor a steady home. In fact, I should say that the thought did in fact cross my mind...but I was so far gone that I just pushed it away and considered it silly.
At one point I really tried getting back into the swing of things. I was back in church, at the awesome Living Water Christian Fellowship, and things were looking up. I had a very part-time job, but a job nonetheless, and was living with my mom. It wasn't the best life ever, but it was better than what I head previously. I even put my faith in something I was weary of and God showed me a little instant gratification (which He's not always known for lol). I remember walking into Living Water, back before the renovations, and after worship an older lady began talking to me. She had seen me crying while I was singing and just smiled at me and asked, "So...what's your story?" I smiled through tears and began venting. I told her about how my ex-husband was abusive towards me and about the entire custody situation (I'll go into that also at a later date) and how I just couldn't catch a break. She gave me a hug and promised me that things would look up for me. Soon after that it was time for the offering/tithe. I immediately had a thought run through my head, it was a sermon I had heard at The Rock Church in Asheville. I remembered the verse Malachi 3:10...
"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have enough room for it.
I sat there, with the only five dollars I had to my name clutched in my hand. I remember it vividly because I can recall that it seemed like forever that I sat there contemplating my next move. Should I keep the five dollars and use it for important things like food? Or should I put faith in one of the only times He straight up says, "Test me in this," and just give me last five dollars and know that He will provide the rest? Finally when the basket came by, I took a long deep breath and put in the five dollars. The next thing that happened will be chalked up to many as being just a coincidence, but I don't. Not with every other "coincidence" that has been God related in my life. Anyways so I sat there, almost crying, because I was just thinking, "Oh gosh what did I just do?!" and then it happened. The service let out and the old lady who I had talked to came up and gave me a huge hug. She told me how it was her last Sunday at Living Water because she was moving out of state. She thanked me for talking to her and told me to just always remember that God is in my corner. Right before she walked out of the door she shook my hand and slipped me a twenty dollar bill.
Instant gratification. I put my faith, my full faith, in the Lord and I was met with him giving me a sign that it was the right choice.
Whew so anyways I swear there was a point to this other than my rambling.
Ah, well I guess I'll get back to my original point. I've realized at this time in my life that God brought Patrick (PJ) to me. He's an amazing man and my soul mate. I believe that he was put on this earth for me, and I was put on this earth for him. I've also spent time thinking about and noticing that there's no other way to put it...he's the other half of my spirit. That being said, yesterday his ex- wrote him a text and talked about how she had a boyfriend now that she loves who prays with her and prays over her life. It inspired me. I wanted to make sure that Patrick knew that I do the same for him. I wake up every day and thank God for him, thank God for my children, and pray over our lives because I want to show my appreciation for him every single day. I brought up to him yesterday that I'm sad over how my life has gone in the almost year before I met him. Sure I tried to get back to God, but it just didn't happen. But then yesterday it hit me that I no longer want to be this stray sheep I've been. I want to be back in the arms of God and loved for all of eternity!! And I want to share that with Patrick.
I've told him now that I want to continue my past pursuit of becoming a youth pastor. Sure, going to school for computer programming may seem more "realistic" but God has had this calling for my life for as long as I can remember and I want to follow the path I believe I was meant to follow. I want to begin being active in church again the way I was at The Rock church. I want to volunteer, I want to go on mission trips, I want to be immersed in the Spirit every minute of EVERY DAY!!!
Now for anyone who doesn't know me, this may seem a little off kilter from my personality. What most people don't realize is that even when I fell away from God I still believed in Him, I was still a Christian...I had just gone astray. Yes I have pink hair, yes I have piercings and tattoos...but those are the very same things that I feel will be an advantage for me as a youth pastor. I want to be myself and show people that no matter who you are and what you look like, GOD LOVES YOU. He loves every dot of ink, He loves every piece of metal, He loves your mohawk....your bihawk...heck, even your trihawk haha. He loves every single person for who they are as individuals. And even though this is a hot button issue: He loves you if you're gay. He loves your boyfriend, He loves your girlfriend. I don't care if people want to think I'm some terrible Christian because I'm not against homosexuality, because I don't think I'm going to heaven and having God say, "sorry, you're going to hell because you thought I loved too much." Nope, just can't believe it :). My God, your God, loves every single person on the face of this entire earth and you know what? If there are aliens I bet He loves them too.
Again with the rambling, Gosh this is a long blog entry!
The end of this entry will be like the end of many entries. I am going to make a list of things I want to do or work on not doing today. Things to better myself as a person and as a Christian, because I feel like everyday should be used in a positive way.
List for November 6, 2010
_x_1. I will read Genesis Chapters 1-5.
_x_2. I will find my devotional and do the one for today. (Found a devotional online at upperroom.org and did that one)
_x_3. My devotional should be almost finished, so look for a new one online.
_x_4. I will treat Patrick as my equal and my soul mate.
_x_5. I will not smoke hookah.
_x_6. I reiterate: I WILL NOT SMOKE HOOKAH.
_x_7. I won't eat out, I will cook all of my meals.
_x_8. I will do my job today as best I can, because keeping a job entails working hard at it.
_x_9. I will pray before bed, at the least.
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