Getting Married/Getting Back on Track/Silence

First things first:
Guess who's getting MARRIED?! *jumps up and down* ME ME ME! PJ proposed to me on Christmas!! More to come on that subject, but I have something on my heart I want to share...

Things have been kind of here and there for the past few weeks. I haven't been doing my devotionals, and because of either snow or being out of town I also haven't been at church. The first thing that made me realize I need to get my behind back on track was a couple of weeks or so ago when PJ and I were eating lunch. I don't know what sparked it, but out of nowhere he looked at me and asked, "Have you been doing your devotionals?" I did a kind of timid looking face and admitted that no, I hadn't. "Well...you need to get on that." Since he doesn't do devotionals I wasn't sure why it seemed like such a big deal until I asked why. "Doing them made you happy, and I want you to be happy." He was right, as he almost always is. So that's what I'm starting with as soon as we can get back to the house (we were having electrical issues so we stayed at a friend's house tonight). Back to devotionals and *thank God* back to church. I've missed church, I haven't been skipping it because of wanting to. I've been skipping it because I've not been anywhere I could go. For two Sundays we were snowed into our house, and then we were with his family in Jacksonville and I was just so engrossed in being with family that I didn't go. Plus I found out some unsettling things about the church we attended the last time we were there...but that's not something I need to go into right now.

Anyways so tomorrow it's back to devotionals. I've also been praying about the silence I'm feeling I need in my life. So far my plan is that January 3rd through January 8th I will be taking my silent time. That is from a Monday until a Saturday. Here will be the exceptions to the silence:

1 - I can speak while out job hunting, because I really need to find work.

2 - I can speak with my fiancée for one hour during the morning, and one hour at night, this has a condition of if something is extremely important that needs to be discussed.

3 - I will not be using the internet *or* answering the phone/text messages. The exception is if the number that is calling is one I don't recognize and therefore may be something related to getting a job. I haven't decided yet, but I may allow myself to check voicemails once at night...I'm still praying over that one.

4 - I may or may not also be choosing to not watch any TV/movies, and instead opt to read. I'm leaning towards doing this (no TV), another one I'm praying about.

I think that's about it. I'm still praying about it and will be up until the time it begins. I can't believe I'm doing this, and I've had two people say so far that basically they don't think I'm going to be able to do it. But that's half of the point, doing something that's hard and working my way through it. The other half is learning to enjoy the silence (not always feel a need to fill it), learning to enjoy time without technology, and having time with God.

Whew.

So next post, hopefully tomorrow...if I'm around a computer, will be some more details about my very recent engagement (^_^).

Later folks!!!

It's not my place to judge.

"What the Bible Says About Healthy Living" by Rex Russell
I usually refrain from reading more than one thing at once unless it's a graphic novel, but I forgot the book mentioned in my last post (unChristian) at my house by accident so I grabbed a different one from the car.  I got this book a while ago at the used book store, but hadn't gotten a chance to read it yet.  I haven't gotten far into it yet, but so far it's a great book.  It talks about eating things as close as they come from nature, seasonal, and certain things for certain health issues.  I'm going to give a better analysis of it once I finish it, though that may be a while since I'm very into unChristian right now!

In other news, things have been amazing.  I told Patrick today that I'm okay with us trying to have his ex-girlfriend Lisa as a part of our lives.  Not necessarily as a good friend or anything (though I don't disregard that possibility whatsoever), but I don't mind her being around sometimes.  I thought today about how she seems to be really trying to salvage a friendship with him, and she seems really happy and happy for us.  I told him that the other day when she started texting I had a feeling in my heart that I should invite her to come to church with us, but I didn't say anything to him about it at the time because I was content in my dislike of her.  Then I thought about how I haven't really met her one-on-one and have no reason to pass judgement on her other than the fact that she's his ex makes me uncomfortable.  But having some of my exes as friends means that I was being an absolute hypocrite.  I don't want to be like that.  So at this point I've told him that I'd really like to get to know her some before we all hang out.  I am hoping she'll either call me, text me, or unblock me on Facebook so that we can talk through messaging.  He's going to bring it up to her.  I just think that if she's trying to be his friend, I shouldn't push her out of his life.  At the least she deserves for me to get to know her. So we'll see how this goes.  I especially want to do this because apparently her new boyfriend is a Christian and she told Patrick that she's praying and has been getting close to God and well, I don't want to push away someone who is trying to have God in their lives (not that I'd push away people who weren't lol).

Well honestly for right now that's about it, maybe I'll have more to say tomorrow :)

I've found a new home church.

This morning I attended a new church.  The mom of one of my friends is an assistant pastor there and has been asking me for a bit to try and stop by and told me that I would like it.  This past Sunday I decided to check it out.  It's name is Faithbridge Methodist and you can find them online at http://www.faithbridgeumc.org/

I'm very happy to say that I not only enjoyed this church, but I think I've found my new home church.  It's been hard for me trying to find a new church after leaving Asheville and thereby no longer attending The Rock Church.  That church was the first I had ever felt at home at, and replacing it has proven to be quite the task.  I tried a lot of churches in Boone...Cornerstone Summit, Alliance Bible Fellowship, Living Water...and I did really enjoy the last one (Living Water).  I went there a lot and tried to be active, but in the end it still didn't feel "right."  It didn't feel like home.  I still hold Living Water and the others, as well as The Rock Church, very dear to my heart but I definitely feel that Faithbridge is where I'm meant to be here in Boone.

The sermon was about how busy life is these days and how everyone basically needs to slow down and not be so hurried all the time.  One thing she brought up that especially spoke to my heart was having a day of rest for the Sabbath.  She mentioned that this day of rest doesn't need to be on a Sunday, but our bodies will thrive and our souls with thrive if we give them the rest needed for them to be at their best.  One of my new goals is now going to be to have one day of rest.  This is a day where I will just spend time with God and be at peace.  No electronics, No social networking, No talking about work or going to work.  One day of rest.  I'm going to talk to my boss about this in the next couple of days and ask for a certain day off each week to have the ability to do this.  The only things that will be allowed in my world at that time besides God are my children and Patrick.  Period, done deal.

I had a great night at the lounge with Patrick.  We talked about religion and I was informed that he is in fact religious, he's just more about a one-on-one relationship with God than feeling the need to attend church and have fellowship with other Christians.  He talked to me about the meaning behind the cross tattoo on his back, and we cuddled and listened to Christian music over the speakers.  There was some major spiritual connecting with him on my part, and I hope that he felt the same connecting on his end.  All in all, it was a good night :).

Let's see Let's see...
Oh, I didn't do so well with the smoking today.  I know that it's not something I'll do forever, but quitting is really hard.  Not because of the nicotine, it's actually not something I feel any addiction to at this point.  I think my addiction is to the practice of smoking hookah and also the social aspect of it.  I work at a hookah lounge and in my free time what have I always done?  Sat down with friends and smoked a hookah.  It has been my life for about a year now, though I've only been working there a few months...I was smoking at the lounge prior to that.  The times that I miss smoking hookah aren't as much when I'm alone as when I have people around and I'm sitting at the lounge with nothing to do.  I just want to sit with them and enjoy.
Right now I'm going to sit down and really decide what I want to do about this, and hardcore pray about it.  I need to figure out not just what's best for me, but what does God feel is right in this situation...?  Anyone who reads this just keep me in your prayers and pray for me to be shown the right path.


List for November 7, 2010
_x_1. Attend church at Faithbridge

__2. Don't smoke hookah **didn't accomplish**

_x_3. Figure out this months budget/bills
_x_4. Talk with PJ about religion
_x_5. Pray before bed, at the least

Today is the start of something wonderful and beautiful.

I wrote the love of my life a letter last night and told him that I wanted to be able to share my faith with him.  The long story short is that I used to be very active in church, strong in my faith, and that was a very happy time in my life.  Then things went south, I fell away from God and went down a road I wish I hadn't went down.  I associated myself with people who didn't uplift me, instead they brought me down and took me down the wrong path.  I want to make something clear, it wasn't that they weren't religious.  In fact, some of the most loving and uplifting people I have in my life aren't religious (such as Robbie, who is an atheist) and some of the ones who have brought me down the most have called themselves Christians (a particular woman comes to mind, but I have forgiven her in my heart now and so I won't name names).

No, it wasn't that they had a lack of faith, it was a myriad of other reasons.  Some "friends" wanted to do nothing around me but talk negatively about others, some wanted me to participate in things that were against my personal code of ethics, and others were just...well, not the kind of people I needed to be around.  The sad thing is that when you begin to fall away from God, all of these things begin to seem "not that bad" and before you know it you are so far away from the right direction that you don't even know up from down anymore.  The next thing I know I was doing all kinds of things, even the smallest of things that wouldn't matter to others, that I didn't want to do.  I was eating fast food every other meal if not every meal, I was further neglecting my health by smoking tobacco in the form of hookah/shisha, I was back to cursing like a sailor (I'm not against cursing by the way, will go into that at a later date), I was drinking, I was being a total bitch, and on top of that there were many other things going wrong that I don't even want to get into publicly.  My life was in shambles.  It never dawned on me that maybe my loss of faith was to blame for all of things paired with my not having a job nor a steady home.  In fact, I should say that the thought did in fact cross my mind...but I was so far gone that I just pushed it away and considered it silly.

At one point I really tried getting back into the swing of things.  I was back in church, at the awesome Living Water Christian Fellowship, and things were looking up.  I had a very part-time job, but a job nonetheless, and was living with my mom.  It wasn't the best life ever, but it was better than what I head previously.  I even put my faith in something I was weary of and God showed me a little instant gratification (which He's not always known for lol).  I remember walking into Living Water, back before the renovations, and after worship an older lady began talking to me.  She had seen me crying while I was singing and just smiled at me and asked, "So...what's your story?"  I smiled through tears and began venting.  I told her about how my ex-husband was abusive towards me and about the entire custody situation (I'll go into that also at a later date) and how I just couldn't catch a break.  She gave me a hug and promised me that things would look up for me.   Soon after that it was time for the offering/tithe.  I immediately had a thought run through my head, it was a sermon I had heard at The Rock Church in Asheville.  I remembered the verse Malachi 3:10...

"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house.  Test me in this," says the LORD almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have enough room for it.


I sat there, with the only five dollars I had to my name clutched in my hand.  I remember it vividly because I can recall that it seemed like forever that I sat there contemplating my next move.  Should I keep the five dollars and use it for important things like food?  Or should I put faith in one of the only times He straight up says, "Test me in this," and just give me last five dollars and know that He will provide the rest?  Finally when the basket came by, I took a long deep breath and put in the five dollars.  The next thing that happened will be chalked up to many as being just a coincidence, but I don't.  Not with every other "coincidence" that has been God related in my life.  Anyways so I sat there, almost crying, because I was just thinking, "Oh gosh what did I just do?!" and then it happened.  The service let out and the old lady who I had talked to came up and gave me a huge hug.  She told me how it was her last Sunday at Living Water because she was moving out of state.  She thanked me for talking to her and told me to just always remember that God is in my corner.  Right before she walked out of the door she shook my hand and slipped me a twenty dollar bill.

Instant gratification.  I put my faith, my full faith, in the Lord and I was met with him giving me a sign that it was the right choice.

Whew so anyways I swear there was a point to this other than my rambling.
Ah, well I guess I'll get back to my original point.  I've realized at this time in my life that God brought Patrick (PJ) to me.  He's an amazing man and my soul mate.  I believe that he was put on this earth for me, and I was put on this earth for him.  I've also spent time thinking about and noticing that there's no other way to put it...he's the other half of my spirit.  That being said, yesterday his ex- wrote him a text and talked about how she had a boyfriend now that she loves who prays with her and prays over her life.  It inspired me.  I wanted to make sure that Patrick knew that I do the same for him.  I wake up every day and thank God for him, thank God for my children, and pray over our lives because I want to show my appreciation for him every single day.  I brought up to him yesterday that I'm sad over how my life has gone in the almost year before I met him.  Sure I tried to get back to God, but it just didn't happen.  But then yesterday it hit me that I no longer want to be this stray sheep I've been.  I want to be back in the arms of God and loved for all of eternity!!  And I want to share that with Patrick.

I've told him now that I want to continue my past pursuit of becoming a youth pastor.  Sure, going to school for computer programming may seem more "realistic" but God has had this calling for my life for as long as I can remember and I want to follow the path I believe I was meant to follow.  I want to begin being active in church again the way I was at The Rock church.  I want to volunteer, I want to go on  mission trips, I want to be immersed in the Spirit every minute of EVERY DAY!!!

Now for anyone who doesn't know me, this may seem a little off kilter from my personality.  What most people don't realize is that even when I fell away from God I still believed in Him, I was still a Christian...I had just gone astray.  Yes I have pink hair, yes I have piercings and tattoos...but those are the very same things that I feel will be an advantage for me as a youth pastor.  I want to be myself and show people that no matter who you are and what you look like, GOD LOVES YOU.  He loves every dot of ink, He loves every piece of metal, He loves your mohawk....your bihawk...heck, even your trihawk haha.  He loves every single person for who they are as individuals.  And even though this is a hot button issue: He loves you if you're gay. He loves your boyfriend, He loves your girlfriend.  I don't care if people want to think I'm some terrible Christian because I'm not against homosexuality, because I don't think I'm going to heaven and having God say, "sorry, you're going to hell because you thought I loved too much."  Nope, just can't believe it :).  My God, your God, loves every single person on the face of this entire earth and you know what?  If there are aliens I bet He loves them too.

Again with the rambling, Gosh this is a long blog entry!
The end of this entry will be like the end of many entries.  I am going to make a list of things I want to do or work on not doing today.  Things to better myself as a person and as a Christian, because I feel like everyday should be used in a positive way.

List for November 6, 2010
_x_1. I will read Genesis Chapters 1-5.
_x_2. I will find my devotional and do the one for today. (Found a devotional online at upperroom.org and did that one)
_x_3. My devotional should be almost finished, so look for a new one online.
_x_4. I will treat Patrick as my equal and my soul mate.
_x_5. I will not smoke hookah.
_x_6. I reiterate: I WILL NOT SMOKE HOOKAH.
_x_7. I won't eat out, I will cook all of my meals.
_x_8. I will do my job today as best I can, because keeping a job entails working hard at it.
_x_9. I will pray before bed, at the least.